John McCain calls wife 'Trollop', 'Cunt'

Yep, he did. Suck on that, family-values crowd.

Cheers!

Religious Fucktards

Hello again, my friends. Time for another scathing critique of society, courtesy of The Drunken Liberal. Burp.

You know what I hate? Extremists. I hate almost every single type of extremist, in every arena in which their idiocy constantly impinges itself upon the fabric of reality to the detriment of all. But today, I want to talk to you about a particular kind of extremist; perhaps the worst kind there is. Religious Extremists.

Now, before I start, I want to lay out a few things. I do not hate religion. I do not hate people of faith. Not that it matters, but I am a man in possession of a very profound faith. And no, I'm not going to tell you which one. I hate people who discriminate against others based on religion almost as much as I hate extremists, but that discussion is for another time.

Here we go:

I was just sitting around enjoying my hourly tumbler of grain alcohol, when I was struck by a thought of profound importance. "Why," thought I, "is the seeming entirety of discourse on religion in this country the sole prerogative of religious extremists?" "Where are the NORMAL FUCKING PEOPLE?" Maybe they died or something, because all I seem to hear from are the same old assholes.

On the one hand, you have the fundamentalists. These are the people who, depending on what charming brand of crap they subscribe to either want to control what you do in the bedroom

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or decide who it's permissible for you to sex up, or impose their laws on your body, or absolutely obliterate science, or even kill you. Kill ya dead! These people are obviously morons.

Now, on the other hand, you have what I like to call aggressive athiests. These are the people like Richard Dawkins, who insinuate that every single person of faith, or anyone who believes in God, a Supreme Power, or Xenus, are themselves morons. These people are also so stupid it makes my head hurt.

Actually, ok, I'll give them license to bash people who believe in Xenus. One point for Dawkins. Curses!

Let's start with deconstructing the fundies, as I find them amusing. This amuses me too:

more cat pictures

Start by checking out Fundies Say the Darndest Things if you are unfamiliar with it. Great site. Teh Stoopid on that site is literally so thick and caustic that it burns. Now, the reason I have a problem with these assholes isn't the fact that they believe stupid fucking shit. I maintain that diversity of belief enhances everyones' life. I'm not smart enough to figure out how the prescence of dudes who believe in Xenus enhances my life, but it probably does in some strange way. The problem I have is that these folks feel it is their sacred duty to shove their crap down my throat and FORCE me to believe what the do and live my life the way they want me to. Fucktards.

Now, someone of a higher type of moral fibre than that of which I am composed please correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought that much of the point of true devotion derives from, you know, actually believing in shit. For faith to matter, isn't it important you actually have it, and believe it? Apparantly not to the fuckhead fundie crowd. They get their panties all a-twist with the notion that people somewhere may actually be having enjoyable sex, as they themselves obviously are not.

As they have realized that they are unable to convince people through persuasion to come around to their point of view, they have decided that they will take the alternative tack of legislating their taste onto the rest of us. Why can't they get it through their fucking pea-brain heads that people don't react well when you cram your dipshit beliefs down societies' collective throat with a rusty spork?

Shit. This post is already getting really long, so in the interest of keeping this, my first post on religion, somewhat short and readable, I will cut the scathing remarks on fundies off here, as soon as I am able to remember exactly what the keystroke shortcut is inside my sexy robot brain.

Ah, there we go. Am happy!

Onto the more difficult portion of this rant; those asshole aggressive athiests. Three point alliteration there, score! The reason I find it more difficult to combat these douchebags is that they often make a lot of sense. They score undeniable credibility when they talk about the abuses of unchecked fundamentalism; when they mention the atrocities perpetrated in the name of religion throughout history; when they run intellectual circles around fucktards who proclaim that the earth is 6,000 years old.

All well and good, fellas, but you crossed the line with when you began to take up the position that anyone, of any faith, is retarded simply by virtue of the fact that they have it. Aren't you all being a little obtuse when you form your argument in that fashion? I understand that, from a completely rational and logical point of view, that it is impossible to prove that God exists. I'm aware of all the philosophical conundrums that exist, and the fact that most if not all dogmas are fraught with logical inconsistencies. That's fine. Point them out, point out all the contradictions. We all benefit when you do this, as it forces us to resolve them, and thus, refine and enhance our own ideas. But claiming that everyone of faith ranks on the intellectual continuum somewhere between 'Rock' and 'French Fry' is just dumb.

After all, aren't people only claiming that there is something else out there? Something beyond our capability to understand, that ties us all together? Well, admittedly that's not what the Fundie Fucktards© claim, but I think that's a very minimalistic expression of what most normal people of faith believe. Hmm...denying the possibility that something beyond our ken to currently interpret exists...where have I heard this before...gee...I don't know...something that might turn conventional wisdom on its head...oh, I don't know, but are you familiar with fucking Copernicus? Cripes.

The issue I have with you people is that your own smug self-assured ranting has gotten out of control, and has been taken to ridiculous lengths. Only I am allowed to continually rant in a smug, self-assured manner. It's even in my profile, see?
Get with the program. Anyways, please refrain from making sweeping generalizations about people of faith, and do what you do best. Attacking the Fundie Fucktards©.

Okay, that felt great. I'm enjoying a sip from my wonderful, delicious gallon sized Jug 'O Mojito. Wow, is it good! Now that I'm done with that, I can continue and talk about the true point I'm trying to make. For those who agree/disagree/love/hate me for what has already been said, I only have one comment: Shut the Fuck Up. (The relevance of that link becomes clear at 3:16. Plus, it's hilarious.) This is an initial post on a subject and if you follow my blog long enough, I will eventually drop the A-Bomb of perpetual enlightenment upon you and all inconsistencies gigantic holes in the rant will eventually be plugged.

The point of this post was to express my disgust that I never hear about a middle way in this perpetual argument. Am I the only person in the world who believes that there is a Louisiana purchase-sized piece of real estate open for compromise here? Where is the voice of those who are disgusted by the extremists at both ends of this clusterfuck? I truly feel that people who think the zealots on both sides here are out of line are members of an overwhelming majority here. Where are the people smarter richer than I, with the power to get the message out when the time to stop the stupid has arrived?

Anyone? No, seriously...anyone? Bueller?

Hmm, I guess those people are all too busy living their lives in a normal way, without being a raging asshole to anyone, to stand up at this time. And that's fine. I just wish someone would, because I'm getting really tired of this shit. Despite the rumors about my sexy robot brain, I am indeed from earth, and I just know that most people agree with this. Wouldn't we all be better off if we could just sic these two groups of fucktards on each other and get on with our lives? Even if you don't believe that we would be, please just pretend for a minute, leave a thoughtful comment, and let me hit on Kirsten Dunst & Keira Knightly, who for some unfathomable reason just walked into the dive bar I'm at. Please? I think I can score a threesome and make some fundies' heads explode. At least, I think that's them. Beer Goggles Rock!

Cheers!

Wait...you're not kidding?

You know what I hate? Bigots. I was innocently surfing the tumultuous waves of the Interwebs today, when I came across a charming story of how I might purchase an adorable Barack Obama plush toy. Wow! For the price of a few measly rubles dollars I could own something tangible that could represent the political tone of the country at an important time to pass on to my descendants. After hurridly whipping out my swiss bank account information overloaded credit card and frantically preparing to divulge my personal information, I actually bothered to look at the description of the thing I was about to purchase.


Curious George, I read. Strange, but I guess it could work. An association between a beloved figure of childrens' literature and a person who may likely prove to be a beloved figure in childrens' lives. Adorable!

Imagine my chagrin whn, after reading the text, my eyes drifted to the photo. This adorable toy turned out to be a monkey. Yes, a monkey. Holy. Fucking. Shit. They actually compared Barack to a monkey. Excuse me for a moment while I open up and chug my second third bottle of Jack. Now, I'm aware that monkeys come from Africa. From what I'm told, so do black people. But the creator of this product insult to humanity engages in a logical fallacy.

Here comes the highbrow, intellectually heavy stuff: Just because all "A"s (monkeys) come from "X" (Africa), and all "B"s (black people) also come from "X", it does not logically follow that all "A"s ARE "B"s. Who would have thought?

SIDENOTE: If you actually needed that explained to you, please remove yourself from my genepool immediately. You can find interesting ways in which you may accomplish this here.

So, given my indisputable mastery of rational thought, it follows that either the manufacturer or the people who designed this and paid the manufacturer to make it are fucking bigots. Barack Obama is a monkey? Sure, I guess, if they are giving Harvard Law degrees to monkeys these days. Although, since Dubya went to both Harvand AND Yale, we know that they admit trogolodytes. Oh well.

Apart from this, I don't really know what else to say. I realize that racism exists and that it is an ugly thing. I'm not trying to trivialize it. I'm trying to trivialize the idiots who come up with shit like this.

Man, I'm so damn angry. I'm so angry I just assaulted my bartender. And I was only on my third fifth bottle of wine! Also, I swear that girl told me she was eighteen! Oh shit, they don't believe me. Uh oh. Signing off for now then, hopefully my friends in the pansy ass liberal controlled justice system can get me off with a slap on the wrist. Until then...

Cheers!

Why I'm Voting Rethuglican

Yeah...this pretty much sums it up.

Cheers!

Cindy McCain: America's beloved plagiarist

Well, I'm not exactly sure where to start today. This is my very first post, so I'll try to keep it semi-whimsical. That is to say, at least as whimsical as I can, considering that I'm nearly constantly enraged. Don't forget the alcohol either, as we are all aware that it rarely helps things.

So, on to the whimsy. In my case, said whimsy shall take the form of me asking a rhetorical question. You know what I hate? Liars. Now, I'm well aware that everyone, myself included, lies from time to time. Mostly, the reasons for this are fairly easy to understand. We lie for financial gain, we lie to impress someone, we lie to get ahead, we lie to keep someone else back. All that is fine with me. What bothers me is the sociopathic non-sensical lying, demonstrated in this case by Cindy McCain. Demonstrated in fact not once, but twice.

This is the kind of shit that I absolutely cannot understand. Lying about your goddamn family recipes? For the love of all that is holy, WHY? Oh, yeah, its probably meant to convince some yokels in a trailer park somewhere that you, Mrs. McCain, you of the $100 million dollar bank accounts and the privately owned jet, are in actuality just a down home regular type of gal.

That, or you really are psychotic. It is just unfortunate I suppose, that people of your age simply do not seem to understand either the Internets, or the series of tubes which comprise it. You see, buried deep, deep inside these mysterious interwebs, there is a very useful tool that most people refer to as The Google, which industrious individuals such as myself are able to use to scan enormous amounts of data very quickly.

Using this "Googler," I was quickly able to determine that your so called family recipes were taken plagiarized from the Food Network site. This Googler conveniently spat out hundreds of links to reputable articles and sources written by people who are paid to watch chimps such as yourself.

But wait, Drunken Liberal, you may protest. She blamed that on one of the young, tech-savvy staffers in her husbands' campaign. To that, dear reader, I can only say 'mmmkay', but then she did it again. I mean, really. Seriously. Twice? And so quickly after you were busted the first time? You, ma'am, need a handler. And not one of those cabana boy types you may or may not be having some fun on the side with.

Actually, I'm available for a modest fee, as I have no qualms about selling my soul. This probably does not surprise conservatives, as they have been generous enough to point out to us libs that we have no souls. Wouldn't that be funny if I sold you mine and I never actually had one? Hilarious. Anyways, shame on you for stealing (this second time) from Herschey's.

At this point, I'm well into my eighth twelfth beer, and I'm finding it difficult to continue writing in such a driving, hard hitting, balls-to-the-wall style, and I'm afraid my biases may be beginning to peek through a tad. I just deleted a line of text wherein I divulged my plans to make idol worship compulsory in public school. Thankfully, as I am only slightly inebriated, (thank god for my massive substance tolerance due to my debauched lifestyle!) and I was able to catch myself before I hit publish and sent evidence of our devious plans onto those damn Interwebs forever.

Thank God I understand technology.

Cheers!